Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Friday, September 25, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Anywho. I had my last Monday at work. Woot! What does "woot" mean anyway? Ok. So I just looked it up: "w00t" was originally an truncated expression common among players of Dungeons and Dragons tabletop role-playing game for "Wow, loot!"
That just totally made my day! What a nerdy thing to say. I'm a nerd so it's totally cool for me to use it, but I bet there are thousands of cool people out there who had no idea and have inadvertently become nerds. Hahaha. Woot.
On my way home from work, I stopped at the gas station to fill up and put some air in my tires. Next to the air machine thing that unfairly charges you $0.75 to use air, there was a bench and a man chilling out on said bench. The man appeared to be waiting for someone and, due to the fact that he had several bags around him, looked like he must be road tripping. I finished filling my tires and was trying to neatly roll up the air hose when this man called me over to him. He asked "Do you find you have trouble with your tires?"
"Um, not sure what you mean."
"Do your tires lose air quickly"
"I guess so, but I also am due for new tires so that may be my issue."
"Well, you see, I'm the guy who wrote Good Will Hunting the book. And I sent the script to Hollywood and that's why Matt Damon played in the movie. But you know, your tires might have some kind of defect." I'm not going to lie, I almost believed the guy. He didn't look crazy, but the longer I talked to him the more crazy he got. Finally, as I got back into my car to leave I said "have a good day" and he replied with "there's a ladybug on my hand!" Good for you.
Next, I had a guy coming to look at my car after responding to an ad I posted with the hopes of selling it before I leave. I listed my car for $10,500 and I owe $10,200 on it. The guys offered me $3,000, maybe $3,500. I stared at him for a moment, debating whether I should just punch the guy right then and there before responding, "Um. No. Get out before I sick the dogs on you."
The night ended on a good note though. Cait and I went once more for ice cream and spent the evening on the docks of Portland debating how the mailman saga will end, seeing as tomorrow is my last day at work. The mailman has been warned that my last day is coming up and we tried to predict if the mailman will make any move. By the way, the mailman has already come today and did nothing, so he only has tomorrow to do any of the following:
*He shows up with a boom box in Say Anything fashion.
*He hires the big screen during a Red Sox game to profess his love for me
*He ambushes me in the hallway and pulls me into the supply closet. I really hope this does not happen as I was forced to promise Cait that if it does, I'd go ahead and roll with it just so I can say I had sex with the mailman in a supply closet. I mainly don't want this to happen because I already packed my razor a few days ago and therefore would have a very unpleasant, hairy surprise for the mailman. (Yes, I'm a classy woman)
*He shows up with a bag of Cracker Jacks with a "surprise" inside. That surprise being either a condom or his penis. (Yes, Cait is a classier woman)
*He shows up in full uniform and does the Drew Carey Show version of the Full Monty with spinning package and all.
As you can see, Cait was having far more fun with this than I was.
What are your predictions?
Monday, September 14, 2009
If I don't have the willpower to write anything interesting, then why, you ask, am I still writing? Because I want to showcase all the hysterical/interesting people out there that will do my job for me for today. Here are some blogs I follow and I highly recommend you check them out.
The Bloggess: Be forewarned, I do not claim responsibility if you pee your pants from laughing too hard while reading this blog. My favorite blog to follow. In fact, check this post about mushroom boobies. I mean, who doesn't like mushroom boobies?
Bye Bye Pie: This woman cracks me up and I can't help but love all the photos of her cats and dog. :)
Mommy Wants Vodka: A mommy blog, but don't fool yourself into thinking that means lame. You have to have a sense of humor to be a parent.
Wendi Aarons: Another mommy blog. What? Moms are funny!
Chelsea Talks Smack: A newer blog I've run across and this chick is funny!
Life, Love and Wine: I was friends with this writer while in college, but now we've discovered we're blogging buddies which is just way cooler than college buddies. She is funny and she has great receipes, which I would totally use if I knew how to cook.
There are lots of other blogs I follow, but I didn't feel like overwhelming you. Oooh! Here's an idea. How about I start monthly featuring a blog? Everyone can submit their favorite blogs for suggestions and if I deem it worthy, I'll introduce all my followers (yeah, the ones I can't see) to a new blog every month! Send me your suggestions!
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Friday, September 11, 2009
So why do people read blogs anyway? For cheap laughs, right? Or maybe for recipes or homemaking tips if you're into that kind of thing, and let me tell you I am not. Others use it as a marketing and networking tool. I however, have nothing to market other than my own awesomeness. And no, that does not mean that I am going to begin marketing and selling my awesomeness, so you can stop heading down that path right now.
So where does all this leave me and my blog? Self-glorification. Enjoy!
Another blog-related thought I've recently been struggling with: Does anyone else find blogs an invasion of privacy? No, not my own privacy, because let's face it, I have no shame. But the privacy of everyone in your life who somehow always ends up on your blog. I mean, my poor mailman has become the subject of my blog more than once and I'm not sure he'd be ok with that if he knew. Speaking of which, my mailman failed to come to my office today and instead I got my mail thrown at me by Floyd the old guy. This does not please me. What if that means that my mailman happened to stumble across my blog and was so upset, he quit his job! NOOOO! Will blogs ever stop ruining people's lives?!
Probably not. Do I embrace that? Absolutely.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Well, here we are folks. Most of my friends have grown up and moved away. They're working as teachers, baristas or various other entry level jobs. Classes, Frisbee on the lawn, partying all night, and movie nights with friends are things of the past. Myself, I got temporarily stuck here in Portland working my own entry level job. Despite various attempts to delay the on-set of adultification, I feel that I'm losing an epic battle. However, I have found a new regiment of activities that has greatly reduced the effects of adultification and I believe there are many of you out there who could use a little help with your own battle.
1. Talk with your mouth wide open: Just in case you were to ever lose your lips or lower jaw in a freak accident, it's good to exercise the ability to speak without them. For an added bonus, hold your lips wide so that not only do you get to practice your talking, but everyone around you gets a glimpse at what your skull looks like.
2. Get EXCITED!!!!: Get excited about the big things, the little things, the in-between things! Shout with glee when you coffee pot is done brewing. Jump excitedly when you get your promotion. Smile as big as possible when your guy/girl hugs you. I've found the best exclamation for excitement (works for any case of excitement) is: WHEEEEE!!! *Works best when shouted by multiple people at the same time.
3. Sing a song about whatever it is you are doing at any particular moment: Resist the adult habit of attempting to make a rhyming song, or even a song with a coherent melody if that requires too much thinking. Just start signing. "First you need the mayo, then you need to mustard. TURKEY! Put on some TURKEY! Cheedar chesse. Cheedar cheese. Now you've got a SANDWICH!"
4. Make faces at yourself in the mirror: Rather than criticize the fact that your nose is too big and your eyebrows look like flattened monkeys, make a funny face. Stick out your tongue, cross your eyes, and make that funny looking person in the mirror laugh.
5. Pretend to be someone else: "There is no Dana, only Zhoul." Start talking in a funny voice (bonus points for most creative voice) and avoid at all cost the word "I." Freak out friends, bother loved ones, and annoy co-workers.
6. Repeat game: You all remember this game. Just repeat everything another person says. However, always be aware of when said person begins to say things like "I'm stupid." At which point adjust accordingly. For they are stupid to think you'll fall for that.
7. Talk to yourself: This activity proves to be most effective at work. Just say aloud everything you think....well...almost everything. Be warned that I take no responsibility for trouble you may get yourself into when performing this exercise.
8. Lobster hands: Cross your fingers, then cross your pinky and ring fingers. Voila! Lobster hands. Now, perform your normal daily tasks. Makes the day ten times more exciting.
9. Be a GOD among animals: This is a tricky one, because you must first find your talent. For example, my father is the God of squirrels. He simply makes a sound like a squirrel in the middle of Boston Commons, and amazingly every squirrel in the park begins running toward him. Chickens work too if you find you can make a convincing chicken noise, like my mother. And yes, it was pointed out that I do have a very convincing pig noise, but we won't go into details. (My family has many talents) However, for those of you who do not have an innate animal noise talent, gnats are attracted by the sound of low humming. The next time you're outside and you notice gnats swarming, make a low humming sounds and they will flock to you. So, take your pick: a bunch of squirrels, chickens, pigs, or gnats.
10. Test the limits of your peripheral vision: Stare straight ahead and see how far your peripheral vision goes using your fingers. Better yet, talk to people using your peripheral vision.
11. Namecalling: Just begin by insulting friends and family by thinking of the dumbest name ever. Poopface, BeetleButt, Huntington VonSnufflegas, Bumwaller, Son of a hampster, etc etc.
12. Cross your eyes: My favorite, and easiest anti-adultification trick. Cross your eyes! Talk to people with your eyes crossed or play with crossing and un-crossing them and watching the chair in front of you divide into two chairs and magically fuse back into one. Also, when talking to someone, stare at only the right or left twin, and you appear to be crossing only one eye to them. Magnificent.
Hopefully, as I test new activities, I will add to this list. However, this should be plenty to get you started on your path to recovery.
Best of Luck Giggles McFartington
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Doesn't the name Boots McGee conjure images of a nice old hobo whose spent his days hopping the rail, spending evenings around a barrel fire, and stabbing people who look at him funny? Yea, I know! His sidekick and hobo'ing buddy is BeBop Jones. BeBop tends to keep Boots McGee in line, as BeBop is a delightful old man from New Orleans who just wants to play his jazz and is really not into stabbing people. They make a great duo, perfect for a sitcom series in which BeBop is always getting Boots out of trouble and every show ends with BeBop laughing off Boot's anticts and launching into a jazz solo on the trumpet. It will be a hit and I'll be rich baby, RICH! I'd say I won't forget the little people who helped get me where I am, but that'd be a lie. I probably will forget you until I've wasted all my riches on women and drugs and then I'll miraculously remember all the little people and come crawling back asking for some help, man. Just help a brother get back on his feet...or a sister on her feet...whatever. You get the point.
So. Yeah. What was I talking about? London! 10 days! EEEP!
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Friday, September 4, 2009
A recent Yahoo! News article spoke of conservative parents and their outrage that president Obama wants to address the students of the country directly. The parents are complaining and "calling the speech an excuse to brainwash American children."
So, reading this article, I'm intrigued. What is president Obama going to talk about? Health Care? Sex Ed? The economy?
"I'm going to be making a big speech to young people all across the country about the ; about the importance of staying in school; how we want to improve our education system and why it’s so important for the country. So I hope everybody tunes in."
What?! CAN SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME HOW THAT IS BRAINWASHING?! Don't even conservative parents want their kids to be educated?! How can there be a subliminal liberal message in "stay in school?"
Then again, the more educated you are, the less likely you are to believe the crap that the extreme conservatives feed the uneducated masses, like "public option health care will kill the elderly."
Yeah, I love it and I love it even more after I discovered a flaw, which in fact makes it that much more awesome.
When I find something funny, online or on a text, I REFUSE to say LOL. Some of the time, I'm not actually laughing out loud, but I refuse to use it mostly on principle. Therefore, I have developed a highly complicated system of "ha"s to inform those I'm texting/chatting with how funny I may find something. You may already be familiar with this system.
ha = I really don't find that funny at all, but figure I should say something to shut you up
haha = mildly amusing, but barely enough to crack a smile
hahaha =I'm definitely smiling
hahahahah =you made me giggle
hahahahahahahaha = Ok, ok, you cracked me up!
hahahahahahahahahaha (pause and then either on a second line of chat, or a second text) hahahahahahaha =I think I just peed alittle.
So, what does this have to do with the texting function on my phone? If someone texted me something I at least found funny enough to type "haha," the combination of buttons I pushed caused my phone to assume I was saying the word ichthyologist.
You heard (or rather saw) correctly. Ichthyologist.
First off. The fact that my phone thinks that's the most likely word I'd be typing with the combination of "424" is hysterical. SECOND: that my phone even knows what the hell that word is!
I mean really! Who has ever found themselves texting the word ichthyologist? Maybe if while taking a romantic walk down the beach you came across a dead fish and needed to know what type of fish it was, just in case it was edible. But even still, would you type to your buddy "OMG! found dead fish. know ne good ichthyologists? LOL" or would you be texting your local ichthyologist, in which case you wouldn't need to actually type the word?! And yes, I'm assuming everyone has an ichthyologist friend. I mean, why not?
It goes without saying that I've now texted it, but that's only because it popped up and I thought that was WAY funnier than "hahaha."
So...all this to say that if you ever receive a text from me with just the word ichthyologist, then it means I've most likely found your last text to be amusing, but not as amusing as an ichthyologist.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
I came across this story (as told by Bobby McFerrin) about a trip to Botswana made by Yo-Yo Ma and I thought I would share. This is what music means to me and why my life will forever be devoted to it.
"...[Yo-Yo Ma] went to Africa and he went to Botswana, he went to not a town but sort of out in a village somewhere. Lots and lots and lots of music-making and what have you. But in the beginning, there’s two stories that defined and shaped my musical life ever since I had heard them. “Well,” I thought “I have to make music like that.”
The first story is where when he arrived in this village, there was an interpreter who was trying to explain to the villagers that Yo-Yo Ma was going to play a concert at 7:30 at this place somewhere. And they had a hard time comprehending this for two reasons. One, they didn’t understand why they had to wait to hear music. Why did we have to wait to hear him play? And why do we have to leave where we are to go somewhere else to hear it. Because music was so integrated in their life. They had no concept of performance because music was so much a part of their lives, that there was no such thing as it. People were simply getting together and playing and they were celebrating everything. They were celebrating life, birth, harvest, hunting, you know, everything. So this I thought, “Okay I want to be the kind of musician where music is with me whether I’m on stage or not.” And when I’m on stage there’s nothing different except maybe the space. But what I’ve taken on stage with me is the same, it’s not different, it’s just being myself, the same self that I am just when I’m just getting out of bed in the morning, It’s the same musical self that I take with me on stage.
The second story is this: when Yo-Yo wanted to leave, when it was time to go—he’d been there for a couple of weeks, I think—he wanted to take some music with him to remind him about the experience. And the village shaman shared one of the village songs, and Yo Yo took out his manuscript so he could write it down. And the shaman is saying (singing notes) and Yo-Yo said, “Stop, I need to write this down.” So he writes it down. And he says, “Play it again, I want to make sure I got this right.” And the shaman sings (sings notes). And Yo Yo is saying But that’s not the piece you sang before. The shaman laughed and said “The first time I sang it there was a herd of antelope in the distance and a cloud was passing over the sun.” So this is the part that we lost. Every time a piece of music is played, one time there is a herd of antelope, and one time there’s not. And we turn in these cookie-cutter performances. Everything is so laid down and regimented and locked-in and so rehearsed, that they squeeze the life out of it. It no longer has any life in it because no one is open to surprise, no one is open to any spontaneous event that can happen. Everything is just dictated, and this is the way it’s gonna be. I think that’s the part that we’ve lost."
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
I mailed my friggin UK Student visa application August 11th. According to the Post Office's website it arrived on Aug 13th. I got an email on August 19th (6 days after it arrived) saying that it arrived and would be processed in 5-10 working days.
It's now working day 11. Still no visa.
I have been really cool so far. Assuming that it will come in due time.
Well, fuck that. I leave in 2 weeks and I still don't know if I have a visa!! I'm afraid I've lost my grip on the Chill-Alex, and am quickly becoming Anxiety-filled-about-to-hurt-someone-Alex. Watch out.
So, please allow me to vent. VENT VENT RABBLE RABBLE VENT RABBLE ANGER
Thank you, I feel much better now.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
"It's so nice to meet you! I've heard all about you!"
"I hope it was good things"
Yeah....that was Cait, who happened to visit me in my office while the mailman came by. That is correct, that mailman.
She almost ruined it! He could of said something like "Um...yeah. My name is ____." Although, she made it obvious that either A: I have a crush on him or B: he is the butt of a huge joke. Whichever he believes to be true, neither option is very conducive to seeing him every day for the next two and a half weeks.
Update: Of course the mailman has now had 3 random packages to drop off at various times throughout the day, causing me to talk to him more than normal.
Thank you Cait, thank you....assbag.